This Animal I Have Become
by Kitaeri
Summary: Songfic. The musings of Joren’s mind during Midwinter two years before he goes into the Chamber. Rated mostly for language.


This Animal I Have Become

Summary: Songfic. The musings of Joren's mind during Midwinter two years before he goes into the Chamber. Rated mostly for language.

Disclaimer #1: I'm not Tamora Pierce. If I was, I wouldn't be writing FANfiction.

Disclaimer #2: I am in no way connected to Three Days Grace. The lyrics are to their song "Animal I Have Become" and I found them on MetroLyrics .com

Disclaimer #3: I wrote this in under an hour at like 4 in the morning so it may be a bit… off.

I hate what she does to me. Ever since that stupid little Yamani Lump bitch became a real page she's acted like she's the queen of the realm. Whenever she's around I can't think straight. If it weren't for my resentment of her presence I'd probably end up a blubbering idiot like Garvey.

_I can't escape this Hell,  
So many times I've tried,  
But I'm still caged inside,  
Somebody get me through this nightmare,  
I can't control myself._

I'm trapped by my 'honor.' As a noble, I'm supposed to be chivalrous and courteous to women. But how do I act toward a woman who is practicing men's arts? I have to make her leave…

_So what if you can see,  
The darkest side of me,  
No one will ever tame,  
This animal I have become.  
Help me believe,  
It's not the real me,  
Somebody help me tame this animal.  
_

I remember the first time that I actually fought against her. It was during her first staff practice. I waited until the little trollop had relaxed into the rhythm of the exercise and tried to get her in the ribs. She dodged by stepping out of line. She got in trouble for it, too. Dumb girl. When Sergeant Ezeko finally stopped watching us I went after her again.

_I can't escape myself,  
So many times I've lied,  
But there's still rage inside,  
Somebody get me through this nightmare,  
I can't control myself._

First I went for her collarbone, then I worked on getting her out of line. I knew that Zahir and the boys were making sure that Wyldon and Ezeko didn't notice us. We'd planned it out last night during our free time. (A/N: I don't know if this happened but it makes the story work.) Finally, I hit the big muscle in her thigh and then her ribs. She used her staff pretty well for a little girl and had me pinned against the barn with her staff against my throat. Stupid Yamani savage tricks.

_So what if you can see,  
The darkest side of me,  
No one will ever tame,  
This animal I have become.  
Help me believe,  
It's not the real me,  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become,  
Help me believe,  
It's not the real me,  
Somebody help me tame this animal._

I even remember the first time she fought with me and my friends. She'd found us making a fool out of that Hollyrose kid and decided that it would be a good idea to put a stop to it, I guess. Stupid chit. We beat her good though. Broke her nose too. I won't say that she didn't get in a few good blows in too, though, because she did. I will give her credit on that count. That irritating little bitch threw me across the long table in the library!

_Somebody help me through this nightmare,  
I can't control myself,  
Somebody wake me from this nightmare,  
I can't escape this hell._

The Shangs must have been giving her extra help. How else could she have put up such a fight? The two of them like her. They like that she trained with the Yamanis and knows how to use that pigsticker of hers… what's it called? A glaive. She's gotten to cocky for her own good since she became a squire. I hope that someone puts an arrow through her bitch's heart while she's helping that stupid progressive Lord Raoul while in the north.

_So what if you can see,  
The darkest side of me,  
No one will ever tame,  
This animal I have become.  
Help me believe,  
It's not the real me,  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become,  
Help me believe,  
It's not the real me,  
Somebody help me tame this animal.  
This animal I have become._

When I become a knight in a couple of years, maybe I can work on setting up a little 'accident' when we all get sent to the border. Until then, I'll just have to hope that one of those Scanran barbarians can do something right.

A/N> PLEASE R&R. Flamers will be laughed at. Constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks for reading!

. Motoko


End file.
